how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
