you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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