Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
did you just send me my own nude
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
