did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
