dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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