Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just sucked dick on a ferry
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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