I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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