I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
