Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she pinky promised me she was 18
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
