Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
