Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
