i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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