I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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