$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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