i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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