one two three fourrrrnication!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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