I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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