I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
