my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
