yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
