is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
