I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
