Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
