Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
