he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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