I have demons in me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
