Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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