Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
