This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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