I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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