My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
