I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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