i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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