i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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