So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
