i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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