rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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