My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
