I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
