dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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