I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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