he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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