If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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