youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
