I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
