The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
