someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
