Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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