Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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