I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
