Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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