yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
