Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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