I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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