he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
