Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
