DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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