I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
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I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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